Flyers Can’t – Because It’s The Cup

No need for a cup, when you have no balls. Flyers Futility: Since 1975.

Runaway Train

Mayor McCheese's reign of terror is over

Subway has passed McDonald’s as the biggest restaurant chain in the world. Analysts point to Subway’s healthier options, and constant raids on Micky D’s by the Hamburglar for the stunning development

Bye Bye Birdies

Example A: There's nothing strange about these two

A bunch of dazed and/or dead baby finches (that’s a bird) were found in Gramercy Park. There’s no explanation yet, but people are looking in the direction of Aldon James, known as “the bird man of Gramercy Park”.  Any time you’re known as any kind of “man”, you better be a superhero, otherwise, there’s a good chance you’re a weirdo.

Road Worriers

(Picture taken in the future)

New York City is closing in on L.A. for the title of most gridlocked city. The Cross-Bronx, and the stretch of L.I.E. running through Queens are considered two of the worst stretches in the country. I wish Japan would get off it’s ass and finish making those flying cars. Enough’s enough.

What’s Left?

Left-handers: Pure Evil

Scientists are doing more research on left-handedness. They hope to determine why there has been a consistent 90/10 split between righties and lefties respectively, going all the way back to the days of cave paintings. There also trying to shine a little more light on the appeal of “the stranger”, although that’s pretty obvious.

Pooper Troopers

Lower East Side residents are complaining about the piles of horse crap they have to wade through every day. The NYPD’s Mounted Unit was dispatched to the area in January to keep an eye on the nightlife. The cops say the poop’s biodegradable, so at least when LESers take a deep breath of shit in the morning, they know the earth is cool with it.

I bet you're tired of hay, aren't you Buttercup?

Juror Furor

These jurors need to shut up

Judges in the Bronx are worried that jurors are chatting it up about their cases too much. This could obviously lead to all sorts of problems. Quotes include, the defendant is “too cute to convict”. That’s exactly how I ducked my first three murders.